Archive for August, 2008

Even Man-ly Men Get Gay Around Chappy

Posted on August 22, 2008

My step-brother Craig is best friends with Chappy. When Craig got married, Chappy was the Best Man. When Chappy learned that he had been selected for this honor, he went out and bought a book on making the “perfect” Best Man speech. He was determined to be the very best, Best Man ever. That’s just Chappy. His speech was ok, but far less memorable than the fact that he slept with Craig’s hot cousin after the rehearsal dinner (high five). Oh, Chappy!
Chappy color codes his belts, has no sweat stains on his t-shits and drinks Light Cranberry Juice and Spicy V8. Naturally, he sells yachts for a living.
Chappy’s apartment could have been a set for an early 80’s Ralph Lauren advertisement. I have never seen more photos of blonde girls in Pink Polo Shirts smiling beatifically on sailboats than I did as I peered around Chappy’s apartment. I know that his legal name is Jonathan Robert Chapman, that his family has a “compound” in Maine and that he’s been engaged twice (one cheated on him and the second he discovered was a closet Democrat).
Though I know all of this about Chappy, I am completely confident that Chappy couldn’t pick me out of a group of 3. You see, I’ve never spoken to Chappy. I did sleep in his bed and wear his socks, though.
Perhaps, we were introduced at Craig’s wedding, but I tend to get quiet around people I know an inappropriate amount of extremely private information about, so I’m sure I just smiled shyly and looked away.
The thing about Chappy is that he SHOULD be a highly polarizing figure. After all, he’s under 35, single, Republican (and not just fiscally), sensationally wealthy, and resembles a life-size Ken doll if Ken were only 5’7”. He is simply the sort of person that others like to resent. It’s actually rather eerie though, because not only does EVERYONE love Chappy, but the rough and tumble-est guys I know get slightly gay when Chappy comes up. Kyle, my ex-Marine, Harley-riding, Molson slamming, step-brother speaks of him with what can only be described as reverance. When I made a slightly off-color comment about my step-sister Kelly getting together with Chappy, my step-father, Bill’s eyes lit up and he hastily reminded me that “a girl could do a lot worse than Chappy.”
I currently owe my sister-in-law, Karen, 20 dollars towards a 1/3 split of a “Thank You” gift that she was kind enough to pick up on behalf of Kyle, Beth, and Myself who all shared Mr. Chapman’s apartment the weekend of Jazz Fest. It was a weekend in which I wore linen pants and headscarves the entire time because I felt I should. Still, I enjoyed taking on a personality that felt appropriate in that setting. I digress.

I owe money for the gift… a handle of Mt. Gay Rum. I would have pegged him for a Johnny Walker Blue sorta guy….

Thanks for your hospitality, Chapster.
Maybe one day we’ll meet again and I’ll tell you what a bang-up job you did on re-furbishing that 28 foot sailboat or that I appreciate you being a single man with monogrammed towels. Dare to Dream.

Cheers, Chappy!

Cheers, Chappy!

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Not Your Mother’s Apothecary Table…

Posted on August 20, 2008

Why Pottery Barn? Why? Tell me why your designs and tips are the holy grail of ornamental style? How have you somehow convinced me that blue and brown with a splash of golden yellow are the only appropriate colors for decor? Why am I so completely intoxicated by your “Artisan Craftsmanship” and your “Jacquard Loom Pillow Covers”? I adore the way you name your “collections” after children born and/or conceived in Cape Code circa 1988. Harrington Lamps, Kayley Bloom Rug, Monroe Pillar Chandelier, Tanner Coffee Table, Campton Armoire. I could continue. I could probably continue for 155 pages of unadulterated delight and overpriced madness, but I have to work. You, Pottery Barn, have prevented such actions for the past two weeks and my fear in this moment is that I may lose my purchase power and we will be separated for longer than I care to imagine.
Pottery Barn, you are the holy grail of Shabby Chic. You lack the pretension of Restoration Hardware and are loads less chaotic than Pier One. You have helped me fulfill my dreams of 144 inch flowing window sheers, and for that you are the quintessence home furnishing nirvana.

Get your Hundi Latterns here!

Get your Hundi Latterns here!

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