If You Think You’ve Gone Too Far, You Aren’t Quite There…

Posted on December 7, 2008

Treacherous Beauty

Treacherous Beauty

I’ve been marinating on the idea of going “too far.”

There are obvious things that we can “overdo”… drugs, sleeping, eating, working, stressing… all negative when taken to a level that renders us out of control of the result… but still I wonder… how far is too far? Where does control end and surrender begin?

The prophet, Hunter S. Thompson, was quoted as saying “The Edge… there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is, are the ones who have gone over.”

I buy that, but maybe there is another level. Between on it and over it. Yes friends, here we are again… in the grey area.

My first great romance was with a boy named Alex. We toiled in the mutual torture of love for nearly seven years. On. Off. Illicit. Respectable. Planned. Synchronistic. Beautiful. Heinous. Stoic conversations on cold New York City street corners, euphoric hellos, tearful goodbyes, forbidden Margaritas at fancy Los Angeles hotels… Until eventually I wandered long enough that it seemed that our moment had passed. We traded coasts and agreed on strict visitation rights of the opposite shore, and successfully moved forward.

Except for when one of us broke said agreement and we ended up within a closer-than-acceptable proximity to one another. We inevitably revisited the appeal of the past. Once again, we’d remember… On. Off. Illicit. Respectable. Planned. Synchronistic. Beautiful. Heinous. I broke his heart and he broke mine.  Win? Lose? Draw? Hard to say. But I met the Edge on that one. Several million times. And never did I ever feel more real. More susceptible. More scared. More ALIVE… than when I stared down that Edge.

Metaphorically, that Edge is also a “great love” of my life. I have been chasing it since the first time I saw it.

And I (generally) don’t chase.

It thrills me and seduces me. It entices and lures. It taunts me with it’s beautiful shadow. I believe that when it is near, I am whole. I am allowed to see my truth. You always see your truth in the shadow. Though it may be distorted, it is also magnified. It will not be ignored. And that is the innate appeal of the Edge.

It is never far away. And somehow it always begs to be found. It needs visitors. It needs you. It desires me. I oblige.

There was a time when I visited frequently with little concern of a physical fall. Danger loomed and I cared not at all.

It is different today. Like all relationships, the Edge and I have grown. Changed. Tempered. Our mutual respect is greater and we meet less often. But we are always aware of one another. Present and mentally accounted for.

Lurking in the shadows. Lying in wait…

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