Archive for September, 2009

Flu Shots, PC’s, Anti-Virus, and Unintentional Threats

Posted on September 16, 2009

Opportunity. Cost?

Opportunity. Cost?

Girl walks into a bar and orders food ‘to-go.’
Bartender takes order and opportunity to strike up conversation.
Bartender offers Girl a drink. Girl asks for Diet Pepsi.

Bartender raises eyebrow and asks Girl if she’d care for something stronger. He adds that her drink is ‘on the house.’
Girl sticks with cola and Bartender sticks with conversation.
Until…

(We now join Bartender and Girl mid-conversation)

B- “So, you live on (Names Street)? We must be neighbors. I live on (Names Street).”
G- “Oh yeah, I live right on that corner.”
B- “In (Names Condo Complex)?”

(Girl nods)

B- “Wow, that building is nice! You live there all alone?”

Girl notes usage of term ”all alone” and vocal intonation with which it is delivered.
Girl cannot tell if Bartender pities her in manner of sickly, runt puppy left unpurchased at seedy, shopping mall pet store, or if he is implicitly inviting himself over, in attempt to save Girl from all-encompassing “loneliness.”

G- “No…I live in that building with Spouse.”

In the name of propriety, the recounting of this somewhat mundane, seemingly simplistic conversation betwixt strangers in a mostly empty, wholly un-busy bar, should continue…
It should go on to cover the beginning of football season, the lovely Fall weather, or Kanye West’s ridiculous outburst at the VMA’s…
But it does not.
Because Bartender walks away. Wordlessly. As in, ‘without further words.’
Almost as if Girl had asked Bartender if he’d ever made out with a goat or if he had a ‘thing’ for underage boys.
Alas, Girl had asked none of those things, nor anything remotely similar.
Girl had merely given an above-board answer to an apparently not-so-above-board question.

Stop. Story.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Girl walks into a drug store.
Rather, Girl walks into two separate drug stores, on two separate days, and witnesses two separate humans being inoculated with some form of anti-flu super venom.
Girl has brief thought of ponying up $24.99, in hopes of protecting self from heinous influenza and the fever, chills, sore throat, runny nose, can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t breathe, ‘knock yo ass out,’ ugliness which the infection tends to bestow upon its victims.
Girl finds self walking away from the pharmacy counter, sans immunization.
Girl knows this is un-smart.
And Girl considers self intelligent.
But Girl also considers self a risk-taker.
Girl takes risk.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Girl likes Mac.
Apparently, Girl would rather have virus in self than in laptop, so though she does not invest in flu shots, she does invest in virus-free computers.
This is reasonable to Girl.
Girl also enjoys taking her virus-free electronics with her wherever she may roam.
Girl really likes to roam.
Girl begins to feel concern that continuing her nomadic journeys with her precious, snow-white Mac may eventually cause critical injury.
(To Mac, not Girl)
Girl investigates options. Girl also really likes options.
Girl discovers existence of 10-inch, uber-portable Netbook.
Girl is disheartened to learn that these Netbooks are PC’s.
Girl believes that PC is to Cain as Mac is to Able.
Still, Girl has soft spot for mobility and feels pull of temptation by innocuous Netbook. Girl is a long-time sucker for troublesome people and objects, in spite of or perhaps because of, their proclivity for finding themselves erring towards the dark side.
Internal debate ensues.
Spouse ends debate when he bestows a very compact, very powerful, and very alluring, jet-black PC upon Girl, in honour of her very recent birthday.
Girl is now free to gallivant with Cain the Evil PC, in tow.

Epilogue
In bid to protect health and vitality of Cain the Evil, Girl has several top-notch anti-virus systems installed in tiny, new companion.
Cain is now protected in manner similar to Fort Knox.
Girl cannot help but consider the psychology behind protecting electronics and not self.
Girl reconsiders flu shot.
Girl un-reconsiders flu shot after rationalizing that PC is weak when faced with threats of infiltration by malevolent forces and thus necessitates strength, in form of advanced fortification, while Girl is strong.
Girl prefers to battle mano-a-mano.
Girl really, really enjoys challenge.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(We re-join Girl waiting for food, just as Bartender places to-go order atop bar)

G- “Are you religious?”
B- “Well, I believe in God, but I’m a bad Christian.”
G- “Me too.”
B- “That was random.”
G- “No more random than you abruptly ending our conversation, immediately after my Spousal revelation…”

Bartender shows momentary sign of dismay, but recovers and quickly retorts:
B- “Well, I didn’t want to seem threatening. Even unintentionally.”

Girl internally scoffs but fights to remain composed.

G- “So, you were concerned that your flagrant male-ness might be construed as an unintentional threat on the heels of my matrimonial divulgation?”
B- “Well, you know…I have a girlfriend too.”

Girl suddenly feels as though she has entered insane, Twilight Zone-esque abyss.

G- “Right. So, regarding my religious query, I guess I just thought that perhaps you were the charter member of some religion wherein it is considered a sin to continue casually speaking to someone post-establishment of their marital status.”

Bartender smiles.
For his sake, Girl is glad that he is pretty.

Girl takes food, and last sip of “on-the-house” carbonated beverage and exits bar.
She does not feel threatened.
Intentionally or otherwise…

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