Posts Tagged ‘ challenging stuff’

Forcibly Changed Perspective…

Posted on May 5, 2009

Treacherous Beauty

Treacherous Beauty

The trees grew in seemingly overnight
My unobstructed city view from the cliff on which the boat is
docked, is slightly less unobstructed and the skyline looks decidedly misshapen.

 

It  feels like everything is out of sorts.

Which, of course, it is.

It’s all different now.

Just…peculiar.
It’s not as if I hadn’t known that this would happen. I did, of course. I suppose it’s the quickness of the thing that is throwing me.
Things are one way and then they are not. That’s it.

That’s how it seems to work. No accountability necessary.


I stand on the overhang, breathing in my last ‘deck of the boat’ contemplation (for some time, anyway.) The cold wind mixes with the warmish air and the raindrops fall freely upon my head, as the sun fights the clouds for the dominance of the day.

I admire the sun’s tenacity, for from where I stand, it seems clear that the low hanging thunderheads are the obvious favorite to win this one.

Still, I wholly enjoy an underdog. So, for today, I shall root for that blazing fireball.

The same one which (to hear those smarter than myself tell it) threatens to engulf all of us and our precious assets within its fiery hell. Maybe even sooner than we know…

Blech.

Per usual, I refuse that thought.

For now, anyway…

Because for today, the sun needs encouragement and I intend to be mentally available to provide it.

Tomorrow I will be half a world away from here, seeking…

Treasure hunting.

Phantom treasure hunting.

I have no map. I have no plan. But he will find me or I will find him.

That which I seek, I mean.

This I know.

In this, and only this, I have complete faith.

 

“Does it go from east to west
Body free and a body less
Come again just to start a fresh
Once again to find a home
In the moment of the meantime…”
Red Hot Chili Peppers “Venice Queen”

Filed Under I'm thinking about... | Leave a Comment

“There’s a handful of normal kid things I kinda missed.”***

Posted on November 28, 2008

Not my actual family

Not my actual family

The Girl is painting. The Girl is gluing rocks to the wall. The Girl is full of questions. The Girl has no regrets. The Girl wonders if she’s said too much. The Girl was dreading the impending madness. The Girl feels like a heinous human for saying that. The Girl believes that Bobbie Sue had her reasons. The Girl wishes time didn’t fly. She also wishes she were having more fun. The Girl wonders if “anybody really knows what time it is.” The Girl doesn’t think the “last word” is all it’s cracked up to be. The Girl is so sick of the fact that FACEBOOK makes her think in sentences like these.

I hear last night was the biggest bar night of the year. Perhaps it is just my nature, but The Girl has never felt the draw to go to her home-town bar the night before Thanksgiving and play “Remember When” with a group of people she hasn’t seen in 10 years. As Tony Soprano would say “remember when is the lowest form of conversation.”

Overall, Thanksgiving weekend is generally a bust in the WaterWorld. Aside from the minutely serious domestic incidents (the fork hurling scene comes to mind) and the historical significance (the sudden death of her grandfather), Thanksgiving feels like a mish-mosh of mixed memories and celebration of familial tension.

When the movie Garden State came out in 2004, it became my early 20’s anthem for soul rebellion. For indulging that which is right if not rational. It started with my addiction to The Shins (who were prominently featured on the soundtrack), but escalated to epic proportions when Zach Braff ran through the airport to Frou Frou’s “Let Go” and back to the girl he found intoxicating. In spite of the fact that he didn’t know what was next… (ellipsis.) Sigh.

I saw the film four times in the theatre (don’t judge… I was 23). It wasn’t until the third or fourth time that I really heard the speech Andrew makes about family…

Andrew Largeman: You’ll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s just gone. And you can never get it back. It’s like you get homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. I mean it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.


Those last two lines. They totally hit me. I can’t help but feel like the whole exercise is futile. Am I grateful? Absolutely. Am I blessed? You betcha. Do I love stuffing like nobody’s business? Uh huh.

But somehow, some way, I could do without the whole thing.

I sit there, mind adrift, contemplating the stories behind the stories. The parts of the sum total. The experiences and synchronicity that put a group of 11, almost completely unrelated people in the same room. And allow them to be called friends and family. Would I opt into friendship with these people? For the most part, no. Neither here nor there. Here we stand. Experiencing moments within moments. I also consider the more intimate knowledge that I have about each of the beings who surround me. We would be having a far better time if we could allow ourselves to be those people.

So here I sit, back on the boat, being me. Contemplating the day. Staring at the city lights. Forcing my eyes to focus until they blur and merge and I force myself to look away.

There is no ending to this. No neat bow to tie it up with. It continues. The ultimate ellipses…

***Post title also from Garden State

Filed Under Growing Pains (and not the TV show) | Leave a Comment

Confession

Posted on November 22, 2008

I like to stay up so late at night that my eyes sting with redness and I must pretend that there are wooden toothpicks forcibly holding them open. I also adore these so-called “witching hours” because it is then that my thoughts are truly free. I lose my censors and any manifestations of propriety shortly after 10pm. I like me lots more then. Lots more, I say.

In reverence,

The sleepiest (but fighting like a champ) Girl in all the Water…

Do not doubt

Filed Under Current Obsessions, People of Interest, Simple Pleasures | Leave a Comment

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