Posts Tagged ‘ Current Obsessions’

Revelations of Madness…

Posted on February 17, 2009

Finding Reality?

Finding Reality?

I have been so stuck. My brain buzzes wildly yet I am entirely incapable of completing a written rendering of a single reflection.
I believe I am guilty of mentally monitoring and considering the consequence of actually articulating these opinions. I am fearing judgment. And it is wholly paralyzing.

It is not my intention to be disrespectful, but sometimes the truth is thoroughly disrespectful.
When the truth is, in fact, true, it often manifests in the form of total dishonesty.
I attribute this to the fact that “honesty” requires a human intermediary for conveyance.
And I don’t believe humans are biologically programmed to be truthful.

I woke up feeling inexplicably broken hearted today.

Three consecutive nights of negative-energy sleep, (where one expends copious amounts of effort tossing about, and experiences few tranquil moments of actual rest) and I just feel somewhat rejected.

By my bed. By my body. By my mind.
My mind is certainly the root of the problem.
I wish I could find an “off” switch.

So today, I am allowed to freely hate and be openly angry.
Because when you wake up and feel like you’ve just participated in some crude seven-hour dance-a-thon, you are given carte blanche to be disgusted by everything around you. And I am.

I’m fucked up over timelines right now.
I’m thinking that there has got to be a better way to say that.
Admittedly, I have recently been researching this topic for an alternate purpose.
I swear it started out rationally enough.
I hadn’t aimed for self-imposed mania.

But the can is open and the worms are everywhere and I think I’m either onto something or completely certifiable and the line is so thin that it is impossible to deduce with any certainty, which is closer to reality.

I think I was born with a something of an infinite sadness. In more sentimental times, I’ve identified it as a “heart problem.”
And while this may sound unnecessarily dramatic, it does feel like an apt portrayal of my affliction.
I mostly avoid dealing with or openly acknowledging it, because it’s actually pretty disheartening to admit that for the better part of three decades, I’ve known that even my most blissful moments have been tainted with an overarching melancholy.

I used to think it was a sense of foreboding.
A bit of a presentiment or hyper-awareness of the inescapable crash.
I’m not so sure about that anymore.

Now, I am considering the possibility that this feeling, this almost intangible but ever-present void, could be a sub-conscious effort to realign with another plane. Another version. Another path. Einstein himself concluded that time is not fixed, it expands and it contracts. And, time has a vertical dimension. There are many “lanes of time” running simultaneously and multiple possibilities existing in any instant, subject to our conscious and intentional choice.

What if our most “inane” desires and “rubbish” dreams, are not nonsense at all?
What if instead of writing them off, we regarded them as intuitive indicators or directives towards that which might allow honest contentment?
What if that thing or person or idea, that we’ve perhaps “moved on” from, but deep down have never “gotten over,” is less “symbol of insanity” and more “suggested route on a map?”

It is said that single-birth babies, who are actually the surviving half of a twin conceptions (such as Vanishing Twin Syndrome), have been known to have a deep and unrelenting sense of grief due to the loss of their counterpart.
The kicker is that most cases of “vanishing twins” occur within the first eight weeks after conception.    Before we even qualify for “fetus” status.
So, if our dead sibling with whom we shared some amniotic fluid for short while can haunt us, why is it implausible that our restlessness or inexplicable internal constraint couldn’t be a symbol of some grander Universal discord?
Tabula Rasa? I just don’t buy it.

I think it’s fully plausible that by the time we are “born,” we already exist on other planes.                      We’ve already set about another path.
Maybe, our flashes of future and past, and those strange, foggy memories are just helpful hints being passed on by our concurrently existing selves.
Negative feelings could be symptoms of a “tugging” from another timeline.
Those times when you just don’t feel “right,” and easily chalk it up to stress?
Maybe those are actually chemical signals…but we rarely see them as such.

And on dreams…
Should I honestly believe that these “hallucinations,” created by a massively underutilized brain, and manifested in Technicolor through your subconscious are “meaningless?”
I am not suggesting that the answers are simple.
I don’t believe the “Dream Meaning” leaflet in the grocery store checkout, which correlates things like “tooth loss” with “anxiety” or “powerlessness,” holds the solutions, but I simply cannot accept the perception that dreams are devoid of all meaning on a grander scale.
While most dreams are forgotten in those first post-waking moments, what about the others?
What of those full-scale, IMAX style, Holy crap, in-your-face epics, which haunt your mind for years into the future?
Could they be your alternate reality crashing against your current one?
Is all that latent content begging for reaction?
I have fluently spoken languages and written full songs, lyrics, and music in my dreams…in spite of minute details like not possessing the utilitarian knowledge to do any of these things.
At least not in this version of my existence, but could I have been borrowing from another “me?”
Maybe dreams are the equivalent to a brainstorming session for all the timelines…
An open forum or symposium where the best of all realities are free to opine and suggest without fear of critical rejoinder.
I’m just suggesting that it’s possible.

As humans, we use approximately 10 percent of our available brainpower.
Ten. Percent.

But perhaps, we are using some or all of the “leftovers.”
Maybe the rest of our brains are being borrowed by other realities.
And maybe, this is where certain seemingly dissonant thoughts and memories are actually developed. Then, those which are deemed useful in another timeline are sort of fused and muddled in, with the operational knowledge and thoughts in that correlating plane.
The “suggestions” sort of, merge and try to appear natural within the environment.
And each second, we are subconsciously assessing and choosing to indulge or disregard them. And each time we do, we continue to either follow our current path or move towards an alternative…

Or maybe, I just really need to sleep…

Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively” ~ Voltaire

Filed Under I'm thinking about... | Leave a Comment

Hangin’ in the Hallway

Posted on December 1, 2008

Leading to where?

Leading to where?

Two days into the third week of my Soul Rebellion, I decided to paint my front hallway. Entryway. Foyer. Whatever.

For once, this was not a diversionary tactic designed to keep me from the daunting demands of  internal revolution, rather an intentional ploy aimed at stoking my creative fire and increasing clarity to focus on next steps. Plus, I REALLY had a hankering to channel Dorothy Draper’s uber-glam “dark paint, big statement” decorative style, and the hallway seemed like a prime candidate.

I set about my mission, in spite of the Spouse’s grumblings about how hard it was going to be for me to reach the top of our 14 foot ceilings, even with the extend-able ladder. I bought two gallons of high gloss, Chestnut Brown paint (Tres’ Hollywood Regency) and rolled. And edged. And stood en pointe on the top of the ladder (not safe or recommended) and contorted into some previously unseen outside of a yoga class positions, until the entire entryway was absolute art. If I do say so myself.

Still, it begged for more. So the stenciling began. And the spray painting. And the mouldings. And the tile work (yes, it’s a rental, but please don’t ask how I intend to undo any of this… I simply haven’t the time to consider mundane issues such as those.) The door frames and rock wall turned into the piece de resistance. Until the possibly blasphemous but very chic, Billy Haines inspired, spray painted repeating Virgin Mary statues appeared and adorned the aforementioned mouldings. Now, perhaps, they will be the most talked about element. You know, for the millions of souls who are sure to be talking about my hallway.

At any rate, this mania, this absolute need to go further and explore all of the possibilities that this blank canvas that was once simply a place to kick off your shoes and greet guests provides, has become all encompassing. More so than the loft, or the living room, or the bedroom. This hallway has become an obsession.

Yet as I look around the space in this moment, I am forced to ask myself to look more deeply at it’s meaning.

I have never been one for the literal aspects of life. I am a seeker of subtext in all regards, thus my hallway is not exempt from similar exam.

I had started this project as a resource of inspiration seeking and it must be considered that the thoughts I have incubated throughout its gestation are meant to send me to the next spot. The next room.

It has provided a safe space to hang my rain-soaked thoughts out to dry, until they are manageable enough to take with me into less transitional spaces.

This hallway has become my corridor leading to a place with free thoughts and unabashedly honest and authentic design.

It leaves the generic in the past and moves towards a new time. I love the hallway. Now, I just need to find the guts to move through it.

“Slip inside the eye of your mind, don’t you know you might find a better place to play…” ~ Oasis

Filed Under Current Obsessions | Leave a Comment

Concessions, Transistions, Acceptance and Exit Strategies

Posted on November 4, 2008

I hand the poll worker ballot card #402 and cast my ballot on the “B” line. 30 seconds later, Spouse of the Water hands the same man ballot card #403 and promptly cancels me out. That’s an hour of time we’ll never see again, but we exit the polling place with a sense of gratitude and purpose.

I have openly expressed my allegiance to the GOP (if only fiscally), but I too am slightly intrigued by our 44th President-elect. I only hope that we voted for that which we believed to be correct. I hope that we did not vote along color lines. I hope that we did not “rise up” to overthrow White-y just because Chris Rock told us to. I hope that we elected substance and not symbolism.

Per usual, I digress.

I recently posted that I’d been forced to acknowledge my Funk. I’ve been in a bad spot. Angry and fighting the tide. Transition was imminent. For once the concession to reality is made and acceptance filters through, the seedlings of change are planted.

So, I quit. I remembered my blessings. I remembered that I had to be responsible for me and that no-one would pick up my internal slack if I could not be bothered to do so.

I crafted a unifying resignation e-mail and attempted to cultivate a fair and reasonable exit strategy. Then I requested a meeting with the Elders Partners. This was met with what can only be classified as petulance and ire…which of course, only served to stoke my holier-than-thou attitude. The next day, I march into the office in my highest “I will kick your ass if you so much as glance at me with anything other than sheer reverence” heels and observe the pall which has befallen the company that I had once courted so ferociously.

And I am again filled with gratitude. Unlike other lame duck employees, I have chosen my fate. I will stay the course and exit with dignity and grace. I will channel Senator McCain. I will remember that losing the battle for that which you believe in, often opens the door to shepard in a new day. And I will welcome that day with a spirit and gusto that I had feared I’d lost at sea.

Bringer of the Dawn

Bringer of the Dawn

Filed Under The GOP | Leave a Comment

About Girl

More Than a Little Contrary...

get all the info

Recently Written